Different Solutions

July 8, 2006, 9:13 AM

                Grandpa died today. I just found out by a neighbor of his who called me up. Just thought I'd write this down before I went down there to claim myself as his grandson. My counselor said this kind of thing [Journal Writing] is good for release without injuring anything. So this should definitely be something worth writing about, but I guess I better go down before someone else claims him before I do.



July 8, 2006, 12:28 PM

                Got down here no problems at all. Stopped for food, but that's about it. Found out how Grandpa died. Heart attack. Went through some of his stuff. Most of it is for everyone else. Have to call them up and let them know, since they are all far away. Found Grandpa's journal. Skimming through it, I found many entries about a girl who went by his house everyday. Decided to keep the journal to myself when I call up everyone.



July 8, 2006, 7:17 PM

                Called up everyone. Most said they couldn't come until tomorrow, the beginning of the weekend. All said how they couldn't understand how I wasn't crying my eyes out like they were. According to them I was the closest to him because I saw him a lot. Really, all I knew was how much he loved to sit out on his porch watching cars go by. And I listened to him talk about the old days, but we were never really close. My counselor says I have big problems trying to get close to people. I think she's out of her mind.

July 8, 2006, 11:46 PM

                Decided to stay here until everyone else got here. I am sleeping on the couch, but first I read a few of Grandpa's entries. Most were boring and talked about when I came over or what types of cars he saw that day. I skipped ahead, but that's what most were about. "Max came over today. He seemed very distant, although I told him a story of how me and my friends played a joke on a neighbor and his mule when we were younger." Of course, I don't remember that.



July 9, 2006, 8:57 AM

                Got up kind of early today to clean the house up a little before everyone came. Once finished, I went through Grandpa's journal again and finally after skipping many pages, found what I was searching for. It was dated almost a month ago, June 10. "A young girl went by my house today; she was in the back of a brown station wagon. When I saw her, she had the saddest look on her face. Wish I knew who she was." The next one was dated a few days later, June 13. "I saw that young girl again. She still had that sad look on her face. She kind of reminds me of Max when he was younger. I wonder if she's getting help too." Gee, thanks Grandpa.



July 9, 2006, 1:09 PM

                I had to get away from them. They all arrived between 9 and 10. They came in with tears on their faces while I looked on. They glared at me when they saw not one tear on me. Then, my "favorite person" showed up. I'd recognize that beat up blue Buick anywhere. When he showed up, I took off immediately. I haven't seen him since I left the house at age 14 to go live with another family. He didn't want me because I had more problems than my siblings. So he did everything in his power to have me move out. That man hated me with every cell in his body. So I left. I went to McDonalds for food. I'll go back, but not for a while. I found another entry about the girl, dated June 15. "I can't seem to get her out of my head. She looks like she needs help. I really wish I knew her."



July 9, 2006, 8:19 PM

                Finally went back after hours of aimless driving. Upon getting there I didn't see my dad's car. I was happy. That is, until I went inside. Who should I see but my mother crying her eye's out like everyone else. She loved my dad's dad like he was her own. Great-her still being here meant he probably went to get food and would be back. I saw my siblings also. But before I could turn to leave, my mom saw me. She ran over to me, crying about how sorry she was because we were so close. She must have noticed something was wrong though, because I stood stock still when she hugged me. The first words out of her mouth, "Your father does love you." I pushed her away and walked back to my car. He doesn't love me. He hated how different I was. I sat in my car taking a couple deep breaths before starting it up and going to a hotel to stay for the night.



July 10, 2006, 1:24 AM

                I can't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours on end, but finally gave up. I turned on my light and read more of my Grandpa's journal from June 16. "I saw the station wagon again today, but I didn't see the little girl. I hope she's alright. I've come to think of her as my friend, Serena. She looks like one." And everyone thought I needed help. Then June 17. "I saw Serena today. Traffic was backed up, so her car was parked right in front of my house. She was staring out the back window, her face blank. She had tears running down her face. My heart really went out to her. I smiled at her, but I don't think she noticed." If anyone needed help, it was definitely Grandpa.



July 10, 2006, 7:34 AM

                Finally fell asleep. I'm eating breakfast at the hotel, debating whether I should go back or not. I went through more entries, but they were either about seeing Serena, or not seeing her, but always how sad she looked. One really interested me though, June 27. "I've seen Serena's car go by so much I've got the license plate memorized; DKG 5981. Maybe I'll try to find her one day. She really intrigues me." I really hope Grandpa meant that in a good way.



July 10, 2006, 12:08 PM

                Decided to go back. Saw Dad's car, but decided to go in anyway. Screw him. As soon as I walked in, everyone looked up from where they were sitting. They were discussing Grandpa's funeral; all teary eyed of course. I noticed out of the corner of my eye even my dad was crying. They told me they decided on having his funeral July 12, but to have him buried July 13. Too bad it wasn't a Friday; he loved those kinds of days. I nodded in agreement, then left. I couldn't stand being in there any longer. I decided to get online at the hotel and see if I could find Serena.



July 10, 2006, 4:37 PM

                After endless hours online hacking into many different sites, I finally found her. 328 Lim St. She lived not far from Grandpa. Here's another entry from June 29. "I saw her today. Traffic was backed up again, so I waved. She stared at me, then looked away. She didn't look back. Oh well. I'll try again." Here's one dated sometime later, July 1. "Found out why traffic's been backed up. They're doing construction work. Serena watched me this time and when I waved, she gave a small wave back."

July 2. "I couldn't get out of bed today. Was too sick. Max was supposed to come today, but so far he hasn't showed. I can see outside from my bedroom, and I saw Serena, but I couldn't wave. She looked very disappointed when she didn't see me." I felt guilty. I remember that day. I never showed because I didn't feel like going. If I had, I could have taken Grandpa out to the porch.



July 10, 2006, 8:56 PM

                Haven't done much in the past few hours. Somehow the family got my number for the hotel and have been calling me up, crying, telling me how sorry they are. I wonder why people say that. It's not their fault something happens, unless they did do something, but in this case they haven't. Forgot I had a counselor's appointment today, but I don't care. I'll probably come home to 80 messages asking where I am. Decided to find Serena tomorrow since it was late. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight.



July 11, 2006, 11:09 AM

                Slept very well last night. Too well in fact. I overslept and don't have time to find Serena. I have to help with the arrangements for Grandpa.



July 11, 2006, 9:41 PM

                Haven't had a break all day. Been running everywhere and calling up everyone. Too tired to write. But I have one entry from Grandpa before I go: July 5. "Serena smiled today when she saw me. I wish I could tell her why I haven't been out for the past few days. I was too sick and had to call up the neighbor's to come help me. But I saw her smile for the first time and I felt very good. She has such a beautiful smile. I wonder why she doesn't smile more often."

July 12, 2006, 10:00 AM

                Went to Serena's house today, but no one was home. I didn't see the station wagon Grandpa mentioned, so I decided to come back later, after the funeral.



July 12, 2006, 1:31 PM

                After the funeral, I went back to Serena's house. This time I saw the station wagon, but still no one answered. I decided to try again tomorrow.

July 6. "I'm glad I have a positive effect on someone. Even though I can't get through to Max, Serena seems to enjoy me. I saw her today and at first she looked very sad-the same look I first saw her wearing. But then she saw me and her face lit up brighter than a Christmas tree. It's getting late today, but maybe I'll find her tomorrow."



July 13, 2006, 9:58 AM

                Still no one understands why I do not cry for Grandpa. He's being laid to rest later today at 3:00 PM. Before going there, I'm going to try Serena's again. Why I am so determined to see her, I have no clue.

July 7. "Was barely able to get up today. I ached all over. Probably my darn arthritis. Made it to the porch. Knew I could go no further. I'm quite disappointed. My search for Serena is put off until tomorrow once again. I got to see her and she managed a smile, but I could tell she was upset about something. Really wish I could help."







July 13, 2006, 2:03 PM

                Still no answer even though I know someone's home. The station wagon is there and I saw someone peeking out of the curtain. I wonder why they won't answer. I couldn't stay, because I had to run to get to Grandpa's burial. On my way, it began to sprinkle. I began thinking of Grandpa's journal again, July 8. "I can hardly breathe. I'm having a neighbor take me to the hospital for the pain in my chest is unbearable. I can hardly write this now. My only regret; I won't be able to see Serena today." That was the last entry ever for my grandfather. Quite sad, really, but still I shed no tears.



July 13, 2006, 4:16 PM

                Everyone was sad to see him go, including God. It sprinkled all throughout the burial. No one noticed except me I think, for they were all crying as they lowered the casket. I threw in some flowers, but still did not cry. Everyone began passing it off as I was still in shock. Afterwards, my father came over to me. He, of course, was crying. "Max," he told me. "I know you're in shock, but you really need to cry. Let it all out." I only looked at him. He just didn't want me to be different. Anytime I'd cry before, he'd tell me to tough it up. I think he's afraid of difference. If anything, I was not in shock; I just had no tears to cry. So I said to him what he always said to me, "Just tough it up Dad." And I walked away. I don't care if I hurt him; he deserved it, amongst other things. My counselor thinks I dwell too much on revenge, but I think she dwells too much on little stuff of no importance.



July 13, 2006, 5:19 PM

                I drove over to Serena's. Saw the station wagon. I walked up to the door, but before I could knock, the door flung open and there I stood, facing her angry father. "What do you want?" he asked. "Why do you keep coming here?" I told him I was looking for his daughter. "Isabel moved out a long time ago." I then explained it must be his other daughter I was looking for. He glared at me but answered. "Shea is gone." He then proceeded to slam the door in my face. I knocked and knocked, but he never answered. But now I had a name. I decided to ask the neighbors. The first ones weren't home, but the second one gladly talked to me. I found out Shea had problems similar to my own, but was unable to get help. She had just turned 14 on July 4, but I guess as usual, nothing was done to celebrate it. Then came the shock. "Shea killed herself. One bullet to the head." I was told. I had stumbled back, not believing it. I was glad it was raining hard now, for although I shed not one tear for my grandfather, they now flowed freely down my cheeks. Why God, I silently asked, why did you allow this precious young life to be taken away? "When did she die?" I asked the neighbor, choking over my own voice. "July 8," was the answer.